Navigating the Middle School Maze:
What I Know for Sure About Supporting Your Tween’s Journey
I often tease that I live in the movie “Groundhog’s Day” because every day I wake up and go back to middle school. I don’t know many adults that would relish the idea of reliving a time in their lives when change was so drastic, when they tried to figure out where they fit in the world, childhood or young adulthood. It was an emotional time that was more complex than anyone acknowledged. Our world today has made this time in a child’s life even more complex. Middle school students today are asked to grow up quickly. They have academic pressures, emotional stresses, and peer pressures, many of which weren’t around 20 years ago. A middle schooler once told me, “When I want to be a child and play like a child, somebody tells me to grow up and act like an adult, and when I want to act like an adult, somebody tells me to act my age.” This is their reality
For parents, middle school is also a time of great change and growth in parenting, and it’s natural to feel a mixture of excitement and concern. We second guess every decision we make and wonder if we are helping or hurting our child. It is a critical balance of being there for comfort, to offer advice and to encourage open communication, but also to allow space for growth, promote independence and problem solving, and allow them to make mistakes. Having gone through middle school as a parent twice with my own sons, and countless times in my almost 30 years of middle school education, there are several things that I know for sure about middle schoolers:
- They worry all the time about little things and big things.
- Their bodies change rapidly and often cause mood swings.
- They all need to talk, to argue, and to be heard but not indulged.
- They need their privacy but crave belonging to a group.
- They need to develop self-confidence, but they are vulnerable.
- They need to question authority and discipline.
- They doubt parent and school opinions while trying out their own.
- They need more rest but are unwilling to go to bed.
- They view things as fair or unfair as it relates to their situation.
- They will manipulate for control of their lives at home and in school.
- They will experience intellectual, emotional, and social changes.
So what can parents do to support this wonderful time of growth and development? First of all, just do the best you can. You will make mistakes, give bad advice, and struggle with decisions. However, each conversation with your middle schooler can present new opportunities for growth for both of you, if you choose to see it that way. No one decision will change the trajectory of your child’s life. Trust in the lessons that you and your village have already taught. However, for a little extra guidance, I pulled a few encouraging tidbits of advice to help you along the way:
- Academic Demands: Do not measure your child in strictly academic terms. Often academic success is not as important as the other lessons your child needs to learn during this time, such as trying something different, dealing with varying teacher expectations, or cooperating with different types of people.
- Set Realistic Expectations: Understand that they might not excel in every subject or activity, and that’s perfectly fine. Encourage them to do their best, but remind them that it’s okay to make mistakes or ask for help.
- Increase and Respect Independence: Middle school students are often seeking more independence. They may want more control over their schedule, choices in clothing, and social activities. Balancing independence with parental guidance is key. While guidance is important, respecting your child’s growing independence is equally vital. Give them opportunities to make choices and learn from their experiences, even if they make mistakes along the way.
- Listen, Really Listen: Your child may be going through a whirlwind of emotions and experiences. Take the time to listen without judgment or rushing to offer solutions. Sometimes, they just need to be heard.
- Offer Reassurance: Remind your child that it’s normal to feel a bit overwhelmed. Assure them that you’re there to support and guide them through any challenges they may face.
- Empower them to Problem-Solve: Encourage your child to come up with their own solutions to problems even if it’s not the way you would do it. This fosters independence and critical thinking skills.
- Model Empathy and Kindness: Children learn by example. Show them how to be kind, understanding, and empathetic towards others, and they will carry these lessons with them. The way your middle schooler responds to a situation mirrors your response. They feel your energy.
- Communication Challenges: Middle school students may not always be forthcoming about their experiences. They might be navigating complex social dynamics and might not always share everything with parents. It’s important to keep lines of communication open and non-judgmental. Their perspective of events is skewed to their perspective and may not necessarily be the full reality.
- Communication Encouragement: Treasure your child’s ability to talk with and to communicate comfortably with other adults.
- Respect for Others: Students need to show respect for others as they learn to control their feelings or opinions. They must learn not to hurt or humiliate another person. This one factor directly relates to future success for your child.
- Problem Solving: Encourage your child to fight his/her own battles and to speak with teachers about concerns. Do not enable your child to be dependent upon your assistance.
- Responsibility: Do not underestimate your child’s ability to be responsible. Give them chores, allow them to complete assignments on their own, and when mistakes are made, remind them to accept consequences for their actions.
- Peer Influence: Friends become increasingly important during middle school years. Peer influence can be both positive and negative, so it’s important to encourage healthy friendships and open communication.
- Safety: Monitor your child’s whereabouts and set clear limits (e.g. places, times, etc.)
- Digital Safety: Monitor your child’s computer use for appropriateness. Middle school students are likely to have more access to technology, including smartphones and social media. Parents should have conversations about responsible online behavior, screen time limits, and cyberbullying. Don’t be afraid to check their digital footprint.
- Create a Safe Space for Open Communication: Let your child know they can talk to you about anything, without fear of judgment. This trust is invaluable and will help you stay connected during this time of change.
Remember, you are their safe haven, their anchor. Your empathy and support will provide a foundation for them to grow and flourish during these transformative years. Trust in the love and guidance you provide, rely on your village for support and advice, and know that you are making a profound impact on their journey. Finally, remember this is only a short period of time in their wonderful lives, so try to enjoy it together. Once they get to high school, it is once again, a whole new world.
Barbara Ferguson
Director of Middle School